Loneliness
by we'll wait for our miracles
Summary: JTHM Oneshot No matter how hard Johnny tries, no matter how desperately he clings, he'll only ever be a flusher.


Author's Notes!

yeah, i'm depressed again.

and this is, yet again, what happens when i get depressed.

i write this.

thanks to everyone who reads/favories me and my fics.

you guys mean the world.

and seriously, if you like something of mine, don't just leave a review, add me on aim.

i love making new friends.

aim;; mrkinichee

Baku: Wise man say, 'If life gives you lemons, at least it's given you something.'

Disclaimer!

i do not own JTHM.

this is M to play it safe. lots of cussing, vague sexual detail, and angst. all in nny's POV.

now, read, review, don't flame.

tits or GTFO.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear die-ary,

Today I met a boy.

I was amazed when I met him. He was phenomenal. I've stopped looking at appearances when it comes to people. The pretty ones only wish to bring you pain.

He was different.

He was kind, he found me interesting, he even said I was beautiful.

Finally, I thought, finally a break in my loneliness! I don't have to be alone anymore! No more misery! No more sadness!

I brought him home. He begged me to. I couldn't resist him, no, never, not him. He was different. He brought me something I thought didn't exist. He brought me hope.

We sat. We talked. We moved closer. He kissed me. I kissed back. The kisses grew deeper, hands roamed to touch each other, to explore the body of the opposite, to remove the clothing in the way.

This was so different, so wonderful, so beautiful. He cared. He wasn't one of those asshole club boys who fed lines of, "Hey baby, the word of the day is 'legs.' Let's go upstairs and spread the word."

He liked me for me.

I didn't mind as he pulled me into his lap. He called me beautiful. He said he would worship my beauty. He did unimaginable things with his lips, his hands, his teeth. He did everything right. He was gentle even when I told him he didn't have to be.

I had bliss. For one moment in my miserable life, I had bliss.

So I thought.

Afterwards, as I clung to him, panting, still in his lap, he merely smiled. He sat me aside, though I only wanted closeness. I asked him what he was doing as he got dressed. I asked him where he was going as he headed towards the door.

"See you around, kiddo," He told me. And then he left.

And then a new reality crashed down around me.

I was used.

I didn't even try to stop him. Didn't even try to run after him and drag him back in. I didn't even desire to do to him the things I do to most people. I guess some sick, disgusting part of me still cared for him. Still desired the false hope and fake adoration he gave me.

...so that's it, then?

This is all I ever have to hope for?

I will never have a meaningful relationship, will I? Just meaningless fucks from meaningless fucks. No one will ever want someone such as me.

That sick son of a bitch never cared about anything more than my body.

It makes me wonder why I even bother with my life. Why I even keep trying. Why do I stay alive anymore? They didn't even want me in death. All that happened when I died was that I got a shit hairdo.

There is nothing. Nothing is absolute.

I feel the last bit of stability and emotion draining from me as I write this.

I'm sick of being used.

I'm sick of being hurt.

I'm sick of everything. Fucking everything.

Perhaps I'll be lucky and go mad. When you're crazy, you must be happy. Crazy people cannot see the shit that is the human population. The filth that is the world.

What I wouldn't give to be as crazy as Happy Noodle Boy right now.

I don't want to live, but I know that if I die, nothing will happen. Nothing will be resolved.

So what can I do?

Lock myself up inside my house?

Go find him again whenever I need temporary hope?

Try suicide again?

No, no, NO. This is all pointless. No matter what I do, bad will come of it. The world isn't cut out for people like me. I'm the kind of thing that needs to be cut out of the world.

I'm sick of loneliness.

I'm sick of being the kid everyone ignores.

I'm sick of not having one goddamn person in this world who truly cares.

I'M SICK OF EVERYTHING.

I don't know what I'll do from now. I don't know what I'll do if I ever see him again. I don't know what I'll do if I never see him again. I don't know what I'll do if I never see anyone again.

We'll just have to wait and see.

Oh...

I just realized...

I never even got the boy's name.

-fin-


End file.
